Dad, having listened to the recommendations of psychologists, began to sharply devote much more time to his daughter, which she is incredibly happy. Mom makes “unpleasant” things: persuades the dad to establish parental control on her phone in order to limit the time of being in it (according to the recommendation of a psychologist, to get rid of addiction), forces to remove, do lessons. And dad suddenly liked to be good – makes concessions. She swears with me, says that she hates me, that she wants me to die.
I understand that this is said because of anger, but sometimes she very persistently covers me with obscenities, repeats: “I hate you, die, die”.
Once I could not stand it and said in response: “Die yourself”. Of course, I regret it, my daughter does not perceive me at all, says and does everything to me in spite. Says that he does not love me, does not understand how I could tell her such words. Asks why it was to give birth if I think so.
I explained that when we are angry, we can say bad things, but in fact we don’t think so, because she also told me bad words. The daughter replied that she really doesn’t love me.
I really want to make peace what she constantly talk about, but she does not want. The problem is that my husband and I have a terrible relationship, and he wants to show her that mother is not needed.
He may well take away the child during a divorce, since the daughter herself wants to be with him, and not with me. How can I establish a relationship with my daughter? Where to begin? The husband says with a mockery: “Why can’t you find contact with your daughter?”
He himself was not so “good” before. Plays a performance to select it.
In your letter I see two separate global questions: your relationship with my husband and your relationship with my daughter. On the one hand, they are connected, and on the other, they have a different causal history.
Let’s start with your child. She entered the age, which is now called the “prepubertat”, but in its manifestations it is already similar to the teenage crisis that many children experience.
Nature conceived this period so that the child, designating his boundaries and determining his responsibility, prepares for separation, exit from the “parent nest”. And the tougher this crisis passes, the freer the person becomes from the parents.
Your daughter already demonstrates the beginning of this department. Another thing is that this usually happens with distortions. It is difficult for parents to accept this rebellion, because it can be seasoned with excessive rudeness, monstrous nihilism and maximalism tearing outward.
In such a situation, it is important to remain in the position of the parent, realizing that the child does all this not specifically to annoy you, he himself is torn by internal contradictions and emotions, which he is often not ready.
It is doubly difficult with a child of the same sex. Moms are often difficult with girls, and dads – with boys.
But there is something that brings together. These are issues of puberty, sex interaction, appearance. Now, perhaps, these are not the most relevant topics for your daughter, but two or three years will pass, and she will need your help. Unless, of course, your husband does not create a powerful coalition against you.
And this is the second question in your situation. Look for words to reach first of all to your husband, explain to him that his behavior will not bring benefits for the girl. Resentment against the mother, the breakdown of relations with her has far -reaching consequences that will imprint on her rest of her life. Having blocked her love for her mother now, the girl in the future will have difficulties with creating a family, an expression of her own love for her children.
It is very simple to create a snow lump of grievances, but dealing with it is much more difficult. And if your husband loves your daughter, then let him think about her future.
Do not try to buy a child or flirt with her. Be a mother who loves her. We can be angry with some kind of action, offended by some kind of act, but from this we do not cease to love our children.
Do not stop telling her about it. And even if she assures you now that this is not important and not necessary, your
words will still be postponed from her. The psyche of the teenager is unstable and that attractive today, tomorrow can be alien. Just be near. Offer help and support, and if she rejects her now, do not stand with her at the same step, expressing an insult, stay a step higher, expressing your sincere feelings: “I do not like your act, but this does not prevent me from remaining your mother and loveyou!”
When adults pull a rope called “child”, it is he who suffers most. And you should think about it as parents. No matter how the relationship between you and your spouse develops, the child needs both mom and dad.
If it is difficult for you to solve this issue yourself, contact a specialist. After all, the most important thing for both of you is the mental health of your child.